Visions of the Last Wedding

 

 Henna on Sarah's arm, before the ink flakes off

Anil and his parents during one of the Hindi ceremonies

 

Sarah's father participating in a Hindi ceremony

Young girl, dressed up with food at lunch

 

Anil's nephew, wearing a turban

 

Anil and all the family members taking part in a Hindi ritual

Small boy with turban and sherwani

Anil and family members parading around the block

Evening photo sessions with family and friends

High school reunion

The Last Wedding

The last wedding for Backpacking in a Suit is over, but not before it took its toll on my waistline, cleansed all of my pores through intensive sweat treatment, and somehow (likely through the incredible colors of the sari’s worn by all the women at the wedding) caused my Canon 50mm EF-S II 1.8 lens to literally break in half.

With a few free moments here in Mumbai, I want to make sure that I get a chance to update you on this last wedding. First things first, the happy couple. Sarah is my friend from high school – one of the most impressive people I know, with an incredible natural curiosity, an innate knack for adapting to virtually any circumstance, and an ability to help put people from all cultures and backgrounds at ease. She spent a number of years working for a global auto company, traveling on projects to places like Dubai, Honduras, and India for work. She met her husband, Anil, while at business school, about three years ago. Anil was born and raised in India, before going to the US to study and then work. Despite all the obstacles and differences, they somehow have managed to carve out a life and find incredible common ground to build a relationship on.

Given that Sarah is from Los Angeles, and Anil is from Tarapur, they had big choices to make on where to have their wedding. Anil told me that they originally thought about having a combined Hindu-Christian wedding in America (like many Indian immigrants do) but decided that it made more sense to have separate weddings in both locations. Given the cultural context in both wedding traditions, and the amounts of people that would be attending, this seemed to make the most sense to them. Given the increasing number of incredibly multi-cultural, multi-geographical couples today, this is likely to be an increasing occurrence, one that I’ve already seen a number of actually. Thus, contrary to common sense (but ridiculously normal for my life) I missed the wedding in LA while at a different wedding, but made it to the second on here, halfway around the world, in Tarapur.

Now that the wedding is done though, there is no doubt that I am happy to have come. The festivities started the day I arrived, with an intimate henna ceremony at Anil’s house, where many of the female family members had decorations done on their hands and feet. Sarah, of course, had the most elaborate decorations of all, with henna up to her elbows and above her ankles. Anil’s name was hidden on her left arm, in sort of a fun game for kids and other relatives to attempt to discover through close inspection. We also went that night to the local market to buy sherwani’s to wear to the wedding ceremony itself.

On the second day, Anil’s family hosted close wedding attendees at their house for lunch. Buzzing with activity and cooking, we went with Sarah’s family as esteemed guests and got a chance to try out some of incredible home cooking. I didn’t even have to ask what things were, as all of the food provided during the wedding was vegetarian (and amazingly good vegetarian I must add.) Then we hung around Anil’s house for the better part of the afternoon, chatting with family members, playing cricket, and avoiding the heat. In the evening, we moved to the official wedding venue for a more formal engagement event. Anil and Sarah spent the majority of the evening on stage with their parents, as gifts and commitments to marriage were made in elaborate Hindi ceremonies. I must admit that I do now know everything that went on, but it was incredible to watch, and the mid-ceremony outfit change was also incredibly impressive. Anil was kind enough to invite us on stage to take pictures and video, and I think he did not realize what he had done until a dozen of us were buzzing around him on stage taking pictures from every possible angle. The ceremony was followed by dancing and then a buffet banquet before people started scattering around 11pm.

I wish we had retired earlier actually, as the next day proved to be a very long (and gratifying) one. We started early in the morning back at the venue for what was to be the official wedding ceremony. Again, the families took their place on stage for formal and ceremonial promises to each other. Then came time for a procession in the community, complete with marching band, men in celebratory turbans (see previous entry!), and Anil on a horse. I think traditionally this part comes before the ceremony itself and is generally for the groom’s family to go pick up the bride, but given the circumstances, things were moved around. Instead we danced around the block outside the wedding venue like madmen in the stifling heat with Anil behind us on his horse, announcing the marriage to the world (or at least those few people out in the streets at the time). Afterwards, with much of the formal part of the ceremony over, we started the more raucous part of the traditions, where friends and cousins played a greater role. We barred the groom from entering until he paid a bribe, we stole his shoes and asked again for money, and we had to lift both the bride and groom aloft when they were exchanging necklaces in order to show our support of them now and in the future. The morning session ended with another wonderful lunch before some much needed rest.

Finally, the last major banquet started at night, with an impressive display of food and hundreds of well-wishers pouring into the venue for photos and gifts. We roamed around with our mouths on the floor at the great selection of food – an almost impossible improvement (for me) over what we had already been served the past two days. They even had an Italian pasta and a Chinese stir-fry section available, in addition to crazy-good local Indian foods and freshly-made roti, naan, and puri. It was overwhelming, and I actually had to wait an hour before starting to eat since I was still full from lunch. Anil and Sarah had to wait longer, as they posed for pictures with crazy numbers of people. In fact, they continued taking pictures even after we left around 11pm.

In all, it was a really amazing experience. The food, as I’ve already said, was great. The clothing worn got better each day, with women saving their best sari’s for the banquet on the last night – glittering and beautiful, with colors and patterns that you couldn’t imagine even if you tried. Dozens of kids were dressed in their finest, and they spent the time running around with cousins and friends. There were even two side celebrations, as the family took the opportunity during this reunion to mark birthdays and anniversaries. Anil’s family was incredibly helpful and welcoming and inclusive – at one point I even ended up battling almost every one of Anil’s uncles (he has six) on the dance floor. In the end, I retired after inventing a hopping snake dance that everyone cheered for and that gave me a headache.

So, finally, the weddings are over. It is bittersweet, as this has been what has driven me for the past five months. At the same time though, I’m excited to wrap up the trip and have some time to reflect on things and start really writing. Of course, with one more month of traveling in ridiculously hot India left, those things will still have to wait a bit. For now, the journey and the trip continues – starting with a 12 hour train ride tomorrow night to Gujarat – and I hope you all will continue to stick with me through this last leg, all the way to the end!

Backpacking in a Sherwani

Time flies when you're having fun. It's 6pm on Saturday night, and we're almost done with the wedding. It has been a lot of fun, with music, dancing, and a bunch of religious ceremonies. I think - THINK - that my friends Anil and Sarah are now officially married by Hindu standards (although I can't be sure!) The last event tonight perhaps has already started - gift giving to the new couple by all of the visitors, near and far. Many of the family members already passed along gifts and took their pictures, but I think tonight there are more pictures and gifts in the works.

As for me, I took the opportunity this morning to "Backpack in a Sherwani" although I'm moving back to the suit for the evenings festivities. The shoes that came with my outfit were death on my feet, and I'm hoping I'll be able to cut my rug a lot better in my suit shoes. :) We will see shortly. In the meantime, I thought I'd post up a couple early Sherwani pictures for all to see. Hope you enjoy seeing them as much as I enjoyed taking them! (The turban came during the ceremony by the way, and was put on nearly all of the men for the traditional procession around the neighborhood replete with marching band and new groom on horseback.)

Wonderland in Nairobi

I don’t want to play favorites and all, but Neema and Leo’s wedding may take the top spot. Perhaps it was the newness of it all, or it could have been the mere fact that I was in Africa, but of all the weddings I’ve been to, on this trip and before, this may be the most fun I’ve ever had at a wedding. I think the main reason this wedding was so fun was the fact that everyone else was having a ball. There was a palpable joy at the wedding that showed in every smile, dance step, and burst of laughter. It started with Neema and Leo and infected virtually everyone else, myself included. Almost unconsciously, I smiled until my cheeks were sore at the end of the day.

The wedding was to be held outdoors, and there was a real fear that we would have rain in Nairobi. It had rained for almost the entire week, and there was no guarantee that it would not be the same on Saturday. There was indeed some gloom in the morning when we woke up, but by the time we made it to Neema’s house for the traditional picking up of the bride, the sun had broken through the clouds and the sky was looking beautifully blue; Neema and Leo would have nice weather.
Which was good, because Neema’s house required a drive through less than stellarly-maintained dirt roads which would have turned into mud with the rain. It would have wreaked havoc on all of the plans, but as it was, Neema, her bridesmaids, and her family were able to walk out the house and up the hill with no trouble at all. Like Son and Trang’s wedding, the pre-ceremony picking up of the bride is an important part of the day’s proceedings. Leo’s family and friends drove over to Neema’s house, where she and her family were waiting. The female members of Leo’s family then went to the front door of Neema’s house and began singing “knock, knock, can we come in?” in Swahili. They continued to sing until Neema came out of the house. Once she did, the procession began marching up the hill outside Neema’s house to the cars waiting at the top. Everyone involved with the wedding got back into their respective cars for the drive to the venue, while the rest of the many people gathered to watch (mostly curious community members and children) were left to stare at the disappearing convey of cars.

I have to say here that I am a big fan of the idea of family members going to pick up the bride for the wedding. There’s something special about the process that involves the two families having a common goal and creating a shared experience right at the start. The respect paid to the parents through this process is also quite nice. Obviously I will have to consult the future Mrs. Pan, but I am pretty sure that I want to do this at my own wedding. I would love to have my groomsmen and my family go to pick up my future wife from her family. Who knows if could happen, but it would be nice.

The ceremony took place at the Karen Blixen Coffee Gardens, which is a well-known tourist attraction because it was home to the author of “Out of Africa” for twenty years in the early 20th century. The venue was beautiful, and the weather perfect. The clouds protected us from the strongest sunshine most of the day, which was good since the ceremony lasted two hours. While you would expect a two hour ceremony to be painful, it was in fact not. Punctuated by singing, prayer, vows, and poetry, it was fun, entertaining, and heartwarming. Yet the reception afterwards was where the real fun was. Good, hearty, Kenyan food was accompanied by singing, chanting, dancing, and performances. Dozens of guests got up and danced together as amazing singers and musicians from Neema and Leo’s church (he’s a worship pastor at a local congregation) played – for lack of a better way of describing it and for fear of sounding ignorant – African praise music with deep beats and rhythm. I couldn’t figure out how the steps went, but I was in the circle, moving around and taking pictures, and I had the time of my life.

Truth be told, the wedding was not what I was expecting. It was, in many ways, more western than I pictured. The wedding dress, the flowers, the ceremony, the reception – all of it was familiar. Yet at the same time, the activities and the energy was uniquely Kenyan. It was just so much fun, and there was so much joy there. It made me think of how much more reserved (in general) our weddings are and how we seem to have lost some of the community and celebratory feel that I think a wedding should have. In fact, all three of the weddings I have been to so far have been quite fun. Even Kath and Danny’s wedding, which is the most western, was infused with their unique humor and sensibilities (the university references in their vows was especially appreciated) and more tongue in cheek than most. I know it’s a long way off, but I hope I can figure out a way to have that same fun whenever I have my own wedding.

Leo and Neema, a Kenyan Wedding

It has been a rather unexpectedly difficult couple of days. It all started on arrival in Nairobi when I waited around for my checked luggage for an hour. Despite having checked in at the same time as Young and being on a simple, direct flight from Dubai to Nairobi, my bag somehow did not make it. Both of Young’s bags did. I too am at a loss as to how to explain that. In any case, the next hour was dedicated to trying to figure out where my bag was and to arguing with the Emirates baggage handlers as to when I could expect my bags and if they were going to give me any money. The end result? No idea about the bag, no money until later, and making my poor friend Neema late for her own wedding rehearsal.

I spent the next day trying to recover my bag. Thankfully, I got it by 7pm, but it was not an enjoyable process… both for me and for my suit, which has been the only clothing I have had access to in the past three days. Thank gosh I dry cleaned it in Bangkok, but the poor thing has not stayed clean for very long.

In any case, today is the big day. As I write this, we are waiting to head out to pick up Neema for the wedding. Neema’s fiancé Leo has been kind enough to host Young and I for the past two nights. It’s been hectic but also fun, as we’ve been surrounded by some of Leo’s best friends here in the house. Neema and Leo are both Kenyan – Kikuyu actually, so they’re from the same tribe. Leo works at a local church, and Neema is a park warden here in Nairobi. They met on a church mission to a remote area in Kenya called Pokot, where they stayed and worked for 10 days. On the way back, Leo asked Neema on a date and they ended up going bowling and having pizza. That was the start of it all.

I’ll write more later on Neema and Leo, including some of the harder decisions they have had to make and are going to make in the future, but for now, I’ve got to try to get to Neema’s place to see the picking up of the bride.

Kath and Danny's Awesome Hawaiian Wedding

Kath and Danny’s wedding was really gorgeous. They had it over on the west side of the island in this area called Ko’olina, right behind the JW Marriott hotel out there. There was a grassy patch of land, overlooking a private beach and some stunning cliffs where they had both the ceremony and the reception afterwards. It was the first real “destination” wedding I’ve been to, although not the first beach wedding. I’m really not sure why everyone wouldn’t want a destination wedding (although, admittedly, it would wreak havoc on carbon footprints and global warming). They are however, really relaxed and amazingly gorgeous. Hawaiian shirts, flip-flops, khakis –the very fact that we were overlooking a beach made it sort of ridiculous for me to be in my suit. I actually wish I had decided up front to dress in local styles at each of the weddings. Too late to change now, but it would have been fun.

In any case, Kath and Danny had one of the most creative weddings that I’ve seen. They went to the same university, and many of their friends as well, so they had little references to their alma mater sprinkled throughout the ceremony and reception. They even integrated it into their vows. The ceremony generously short, maybe no more than 10 minutes, and the walk-out was planned beforehand for the bridal party to each dance their way out. With both of them being chemical engineers, they used this theme throughout the wedding also. They had this great periodic table seating chart with everyone’s initials representing as elements, tables that were named after famous scientists, and a cute pre-game dinner where guests at the tables had to identify some of the contributions of their scientist in order to go and get food. It could have been nerdy and dorky, but instead it turned out to be smart, creative, and fun. I loved the fact that they decided to do cupcakes instead of a big cake and that they had the cutest little luau couple as their cake top.

Obviously, there were a million ways in which this wedding was different from Son and Trang’s, but one of the biggest and most important for me was the fact that many of my relatives were here. It was of course nice to catch up with all of my relatives, and my cousin thoughtfully seated me and Young at a table with all of my cousins. Getting family gossip is always an enjoyable way to pass the time. Seeing my aunts and uncles, and also seeing their reaction to my cousin getting married was both sweet and interesting. It made me think about how my parents (and my relatives!) might react to me getting married, and no doubt this was on their minds also as all of my aunts pointed at me and intoned “you’re next!”

I may not actually be however, as instead of the traditional garter toss, Kath and Danny decided to change things up and have the guys do a football toss. People who were not successful in throwing a football through a hula-hoop were tasked with publicly sharing their worst pick-up line, and presumably be in the running for being the next man married. Unfortunately for Danny, most of his friends are not so great with a football in their hands. Indeed, I was the only one who managed to throw it through the hula-hoop, eliminating me from both the embarrassing pick-up line routine and perhaps from being the next non-single man around. Oops.

I was surprised at how small I felt the wedding was, even though there was over a hundred people there. I think I have been at so many big weddings of 250 people or more that those numbers are what I feel is normal. More and more I think I may end up having a huge wedding, just because my notion of regular is so much bigger than it was before. Yet at the same time, I think it might be fitting to have a destination wedding – after all, who should have a destination wedding, if not me, this crazy wandering world nomad? Yet, its probably fair to say that I’m getting well ahead of myself. We all know that my opinions don’t really count when the time really comes, so I’ll stop hypothesizing and just leave the real planning to my un-found wife.

Wedding Pictures!

Finally got a few free minutes to clean-up the pictures from the wedding and wanted to take a minute to post them up on the blog. Son and Trang have been gracious enough to let me use their images, and I'm incredibly thankful for all of their support on my project (as I am with all of my other friends who have kindly agreed to let me turn their weddings into my personal project!) Three of the pictures here are from the đón dâu event at Trang's house, where Son and his family came over to ask Trang's family for permission to take her home. The last picture is from the wedding itself, and as you can see, it's one big huge banquet! Not everyone was seated yet, as guests were still coming in with Son, Trang, and their parents greeting everyone as they entered.

Stuck in Hanoi!

A combination of bad weather, early transportation connections to get anywhere, general laziness, and an easy-to-like Hanoi has been the cause of my inability to get out of the city. Instead, I seem rather content to visit one Hanoi-sight a day and then sit in a cafe and watch the world pass me by.

Of course one of the benefits of this sloth is that I've had enough open time-slots in Hanoi to manage to hook up with my favorite newly-weds for a late night tea again. Since they got married, they've been doing non-stop family visits. Anyone who has lived abroad before knows that the short visits we get at home are invariably filled partially with obligatory visits (not saying that you don't enjoy them, but just that you have to do them either way.) Even I can attest to the fact that on short visits, balancing these obligations with the time you want to spend with family and trying to catch up with friends is no small task. Of course, for them, there is even more to do as they get home maybe once every year and a half.

If that's not enough, this trip back has been for the wedding and of course it entails all of the after-wedding thank you trips that are required in addition to the fact that all of a sudden, there are DOUBLE the obligations - two families becoming one and all that jazz. I'd never really thought of this idea actually - I mean, I knew of how difficult it could be to juggle the holidays for a couple, but I'd just never put two and two together to realize that rare trips back home would be doubly busy!

In any case, super happy they have made the time out to see me yet again. I'll try to be better and get out of Hanoi, so they have one less (lazy foreign wedding guest) obligation to think about! :)

Wedding Day

It was a long day for me, so no doubt it was much longer for the bride, groom, and both families. As mentioned in my previous post, there were three parts to the festivities: an asking for the bride session, photo taking, and then a reception. The asking for the bride session took place at the bride's house, with her family and friends gathered and waiting for him, his family, and his friends to arrive. After they did, there were some brief speeches before he went upstairs to ask her parents for their permission to take her home with him, and then some more thank you speeches. The bride lives in an older village section of Hanoi, where the streets are so narrow and windy that cars can't even pass. Thus, after the session, we all walked out of the village - which lent the session a much more traditional feel.

I can't say quite the same for the reception though! I found myself in what we essentially know as an "asian banquet" style reception. The food came out in waves, banquet style, with a selection of appetizers and main dishes. What perhaps was most striking about the wedding was how loud it was. There was music, song, or performances through basically the entire reception, and we're not talking mood music or ambiance performances. I was also struck by how quickly the thing wrapped up. Whole tables got up and left after the bridal party had visited their table and they had finished eating. I would say that within 10 minutes, 70% of the guests had left. The remaining stragglers stuck around for a bit longer, but the party wrapped up well within 2 hours.

Afterward, I was sad to learn that the more traditional things happened a week ago at the engagement party. Traditional dress for all the men and women, rented cyclos around town, and lots of traditional presents. If only I could have made it to Hanoi a week earlier!

Hanoi Happy!

Got to Hanoi tonight, around 8pm, so I haven't gotten a chance to see much. I did however manage to get in touch with and then hang out with Trang and Son for a bit as they wrapped up some last minute planning. I rode along with them as they checked-in with their MC and ironed out the details for what he was going to do tomorrow. I didn't understand a word he said, but I could understand that he's done a ton of weddings before and has this stuff down pat. It's actually sort of amazing how similar sounding this pre-wedding planning ceremony sounded in comparison to the few that I've heard in the US. Perhaps wedding MCs and wedding singers know no cultural and geographical boundaries?

Along with meeting the MC, I also got some of the low-down for the activities tomorrow from Trang. Like most brides, the day will start for Trang with makeup. However, by noon, people will start arriving at the brides house for a traditional "đón dâu" session - the asking for the bride tradition, where the groom must come and ask the bride's parents to be able to take the bride home with him. Then, there will be a big car caravan through central Hanoi, with I'm sure, lots of horn-honking and joyous yelling. Finally, around 5pm, the official ceremony/reception will begin. I'm not sure how long it will last, but Trang did say it will involve 550 people, so I'm guessing that since it would take 550 people over an hour to enter or exit any venue, we're looking at... at least two hours. :)

It's all so exciting!